Come Home, Jay
by Sophia.Love.Linstead
Summary: Erin doesn't let Jay pull away from her, she makes sure he knows she's waiting for him when he's ready. Just an idea as to why he walked away in 4x17.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD.**

 **Hey guys, thank you for your support with 'Mistakes'. I will get part 2 up and do the other two ideas but I think I have a better idea aswell… one that explains or redeems Jay leaving. We all feel they ruined his character right? Jay would never leave Erin who believes everyone leaves her, someone who always pushes people away when she's hurt – yet she reached out to Jay and he walked out– in what world… AM I RIGHT?!**

 **I can't fix the married in Vegas part, we don't know who he was back then. We know Erin is different than she was. So I guess we can't say it's unlike Jay. Remember his comment about being an angry kid… plus war, he must have been in a bad place… we can forgive that.**

 **Jay not telling Erin, well I'm still mad about that – but Erin seems to have let it go for the most part. Not angry, more hurt and insecure.**

 **But leaving? I struggle with that. So this is my attempt.**

 **Although it annoys me he was telling Abby it was good to see her… dude it literally bought up all this stuff that you left the woman you love… not good.**

 **Also, he was laughing and joking around and less than an hour later the baggage was so much he had to walk out on Erin?! Anyway, like I said. This is my attempt at explaining/ fixing that lol**

Come Home, Jay

"Hey." My voice is husky from lack of sleep, Jay barely turns to me.

We're alone in the break room, no one else at work yet. I take in Jay's tired face and can see the tensions in his posture.

"Jay, I'm here for you. You were there for me through everything so I'm here when you're ready."

"What? Erin I can't do this now." Jay sighs.

"You don't have to speak. Just listen." He nods at me once.

"Just do me a favor and think back to the conversation we had here once… where you said you'd like to think you could handle everything in my past. You now know it all, the good, the bad and the illegal. I'm not saying I couldn't be more open with you but you have pushed me to let you in, and I have. So it's my turn, I'm not letting you go. You were patient with me. I can be with you too."

"Erin." His lips quiver and I shake my head.

"I'm hurt and insecure Jay, but I'm not angry. I wish you told me, I wish you didn't hide everything from me all this time. I couldn't know it wasn't all behind you… you never let on any different. The old me would have pushed you away, but not anymore. I can put your needs above mine like you always have for me. The Jay I'm most familiar with wouldn't have left or walked out, so something serious is going through your head. When you're ready, I'm right here." I squeeze his arm gently, pleading at him with my eyes.

"I'm sick of being hurt Jay, I'm tired of people I love always leaving me. I believed you wouldn't… so I just need to know this is temporary. That you'll come home to me."

"I will." He promises and I nod once, blinking back tears before leaving him alone in the break room.

* * *

I'm staring at my pizza, no interest in consuming it when I hear a knock at the door.

My feet take me over slowly, and I'm shocked to see Jay when I open up.

"Jay… you don't have to knock. This is still your place too." He nods slowly before I step back to allow him inside.

"Did you mean it?"

"What?" I ask, still shocked he's here.

"That I could come home, that it's not the end."

"You can come home at anytime Jay." Jay breaks down before my eyes, tears streaming down his cheeks and sobs racking his chest.

My arms wrap around his neck pulling him close, we stand there hugging as I run my hands through his hair soothingly.

I feel my shoulder become soaked through with his tears as a hand slips down to run up and down his back, my eyes close as I try and hold back the tears from the sound of his pain.

My back is aching by the time his sobs stop and he finally pulls back, my fingers wipe his tears before I lead him over to the couch.

"Come home, Jay." I whisper, hands reaching out for his.

"I can't."

"Why?" I whisper curious.

"When I got back from my last tour, I was bad. I was diagnosed with PTSD; I would react to the smallest thing… wake up from nightmares that felt so real. I turned to alcohol to try and dull the pain. Seeing Abby, it brought literally everything back. She stirred up all these bad memories that I never really dealt with, and I'm terrified the PTSD will come back."

Tears slip down my cheeks at the pain in his tone.

"I know leaving was wrong, I'm in a committed relationship. I shouldn't run from you, all you want to do is help. But I'm scared what will happen if the PTSD comes back Erin. I could react in the worst way and I might scare you."

"You could never scare me."

"I don't know how to share all this baggage Erin. I love you… and I know I fucked up. I get you want to work through this, that I'm your first serious relationship."

"Only. I don't plan on having another."

"But if I hurt you I could never forgive myself, could never move on from that. I wouldn't be able to live with it." Jay's shaking his head firmly.

"What are you trying to protect me from?"

"From me."

"From who you were? Jay, I'm not proud of my younger self. If you did things, I can handle it. Trust that."

"That's only part of it."

"Then tell me, help me understand."

"I don't know how you think I was back then, or when I returned… but I was bad. I tend to take it out on those I love most, those that don't deserve it. I'm worried I'll lose it and scare you… more importantly I'm scared of having a dream that's so real and I wake up thinking I'm right back there… and hurt you."

"Jay, I don't think you could scare me or hurt me. But either way, I can handle myself."

"No. Not risking it." His voice is harsh.

"Why are you opening up? What changed?"

"Will, he pushed me back here to you. He said your intentions are good and you really care for me… want nothing but the best. You just want to help. He said I need to turn to you, not away from you."

"I do. Come home, Jay." I plead again.

"I can't, I might hurt you in my sleep."

"If you are really worried about hurting me… I trust you won't but if you are worried, we have a spare room. Come home. Lets get through this together, and be stronger for it."

"You want me back?" His blue eyes search mine.

"I never wanted you to leave. You belong here with me."

"Okay." He finally agrees.

"Okay, let's grab your stuff from Will's. You can decide where you want to sleep. I'm not kicking you out of our bed."

"Erin I _want_ to sleep with you, but I _need_ to sleep in the spare room."

"Okay, I'll make the bed in there when we get back." We are almost at the door when he pulls me back, his hand resting on my cheek.

"Walking out on you was the hardest thing in my life. The look on your face…" His eyes show conflicting feelings, shame and regret prominent.

"I never thought you would leave me… everyone has but not you."

"I came back."

"I know."

* * *

"You good?" I ask Jay as he walks into the spare room, finished with putting his things away in the master, I'm almost done with the bed as Jay sits on the edge with his head in hands.

"Jay, baby." I walk over and bring his head up, my hands on his cheeks.

"I'm afraid I'll have nightmares." He admits quietly and my hands move soothingly over his cheeks.

"What can I do?"

"Nothing. I'm okay."

"Let me stay with you, just until you fall asleep."

"No, I can't sleep knowing you're here."

"Okay… but I'm in the room next door." He nods and I lean down slowly, unsure of where we stand with our intimacy.

My lips meet his softly and he sighs against my lips, the kiss is short and sweet as I savor the feeling.

"Goodnight Jay." I pull away, wishing I could stay.

"Night." His eyes look haunted as I turn out the light.

* * *

My eyes fly open at the sound of Jay's screams filling the apartment, I sit up blinking away sleep before racing down the hallway and into the spare room.

I flick the light on, the image of Jay crying out and thrashing around greeting me with dread.

"Jay." I call out approaching him, taking in his body and clothes soaked in sweat.

"Jay." I reach out to touch him, gasping as his hand wraps around my wrist harshly.

His eyes open, taking in the room with blind panic as he pulls me down on the bed and flips us over so he's hovering over me. His blue eyes are angry and his arm resting against my throat.

"Jay." I whisper as best I can with his arm across my neck, I reach my hands up to cup his cheeks.

I see the moment his eyes lose the anger, replaced with sadness and fear.

His eyes widen when he realizes our position and he rolls off me quickly. I look over to see his back sliding down the wall, his head in his hands.

"Jay, babe." I get up and approach him slowly this time.

"Don't." I freeze, adhering to his wishes.

"Jay."

"I should have stayed at Will's. I knew it… I knew it." He's shaking his head, rocking back and forward and my heart shatters.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." His repetition of the words have tears welling in my eyes.

"Jay, I'm fine." My hands softly cover his hands and pull them away from his face.

"I'm sorry I never realized you were in so much pain." His eyes finally meet mine upon my apology.

I coax him back into bed, our bodies pressed together and his head resting on my chest.

I place a kiss to his forehead as I run my fingers through his hair.

"I'm sorry, so sorry."

"Shh. I'm fine. I'm here… Jay you didn't hurt me."

"I'm sorry, I didn't see him, I'm sorry." I pause, wondering if his nightmare was reliving a death of a friend and fellow soldier.

"Jay." I reach for his chin and tilt his head back to look at me, bringing him back to the present.

"You're not there anymore. You're here… with me." I whisper and he nods slowly.

He drops his head back down and we lay there silently.

"Thank you." He finally whispers.

"I'm here for you Jay. Whatever you need."

"I'm sorry I left, I know I screwed up… I should have told you I have all this fucking baggage. I should have told you I married someone."

"I can't say I ever pictured Jay Halstead as the married in Vegas type but I didn't know you back then… I know you _now_. I'm hurt you didn't tell me though, but I sense you need me more. My anger would only add to your pain."

"I don't want you insecure Erin. I didn't leave because Abby showed up, or because she's my… I don't know what to call her. It was twenty four hours so she doesn't feel like my wife. I left because of what you saw tonight, I realized I finally have to deal with it. Pushing it down isn't healthy."

"Just know that I'm always looking out for you Jay."

"I love you. Only you. I promise I've never felt like this before, I have no romantic feelings for her, none whatsoever. I love you, please know that." He's pleading with me, his face desperate.

"I love you too Jay. Thank you for coming home to me. I won't lie, I'm hurt you lied… but what you're going through is real and painful and we will deal with it together."

He brings his face up to mine, our eyes staring into each other's with love shining brightly.

He leans forward and presses his lips against mine; I'm hesitant letting him dictate the pace.

His body rolls to hover over me, careful to hold all his weight off me.

"Jay." I pull away to whisper, encouraging him to drop down noticing the difference from usual.

His body slowly sinks down and I smile up at him softly when our bodies are resting against each other's.

His forehead rests against mine, his red-rimmed eyes pleading with me.

I nod at him slowly, giving him the permission he's seeking.

Our lips touch again, his tongue slipping into my mouth and my legs tangling with his.

Our kisses are slowly and full of longing as my hands reach up to cup his face.

"I love you." I whisper against his lips, feeling his smile.

"I love you too." His hands reach down to pull at my shirt.

"Since when do you sleep in my shirts?" He asks softly.

"Since I needed your scent to help me sleep." I shrug softly at him and sorrow fills his eyes.

"It's okay… for a moment the other night I thought I wouldn't get to inhale your scent again. I'm just glad you're back."

His hands slide under the shirt I'm wearing and over my smooth body, his lips finding mine again.

My hands pull his shirt over his head, enjoying running my hands along his back.

I tug on his pants and he helps me slip them down, releasing his manhood.

His hands play with me through my panties, my throbbing pussy making me squirm.

Our tongues are battling, both needing to feel the love and to experience the pleasure of joining our bodies.

His fingers bring my panties down, slipping two fingers in see how wet I am.

My legs move from tangling with his to rest around his hips, encouraging Jay to push into me.

He pulls his lips away to join our gazes as he pushes in, once he's in, he stills and leans down to kiss me softly.

"You're beautiful." He whispers as he begins moving in me.

I'm panting as his lips find mine again, his moves are slow and meaningful as he pushes into me again and again driving me crazy.

His lips trail down my jaw before he buries his head in my neck, my own tilting back as I close my eyes in pleasure.

My legs wrap tighter encouraging him to send me over the edge, his breathing is heavy and I know he's close.

He picks up his speed as his face comes back to mine, his mouth swallowing my gasps of pleasure as my orgasm hits.

His penis is still pushing into my pulsating pussy when he finally explodes.

We lay there silently, content with each others company.

Jay pulls out and rolls to the side, my head falls to his chest and my hand comes up to trail over his chest.

He catches my left hand in his and traces my ring finger.

"I didn't know how to tell you… didn't want to see the look on your face. You never use to imagine yourself getting married, I didn't think you would want to be wife number two."

I'm silent, sensing he wants to get his feelings out.

"But as much as I didn't want to tell you I knew I would have to before we ever got married. I was just living in denial. About a lot of things."

"Well once we get through all of this, if you ever ask. I'll say yes." I can feel his sigh of relief as his lips find my hair.

"You should go back to bed." He whispers, his tone implying he wishes I could stay.

"I will, when you're asleep." I can sense his hesitation.

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yes, I promise."

"Okay… can you leave the light on?"

"Of course." I kiss his chest as I lay there waiting for him to drift off.

When he finally does I don't move a muscle, laying in his arms all night ensuring I don't close my eyes for more than a few minutes.

* * *

"You're still here." His voice is muffled by sleep, but frustration is shining through.

"I didn't sleep." I tilt my head back to look him in the eyes.

"Erin. You need sleep."

"I know, I just wanted to make sure you didn't have another nightmare. If you did I wanted to be here when you woke up."

"That's the problem."

"I won't do it again, I just missed your arms."

"Okay… please promise me."

"I promise."

 **A/N: I actually think I like this a little more than my last... hmmm. Anyway leave a review. I do want to do another part where they talk about Abby and their plan of attack with what he's going through. I'll get my ideas typed up :)**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD.**

 **A/N: There will be another part after this. Hope you enjoy :) I try my best with these sort of stories but I don't claim to know what it's like to serve or carry that pain.**

Come Home, Jay – Part Two

"Hey." I call out, giggling as I walk into the apartment.

"Hey." Jay chuckles as he looks over at me from the couch, surprise on his face.

"What's all this?" Jay comes over to me to place a quick kiss on my lips before patting the puppy in my arms.

"A rescue pup… she doesn't have anyone." I pout up at Jay with sad eyes and he nods before dropping his eyes back to the dog.

"Why?" He raises his eyebrow in question.

"I spoke with Dr Charles… don't be mad. I just, I wanted to be prepared for what you're going through and how best I can help. I'm flying blind here Jay. He helped me understand I can't push you, just be here for you. He also offered you his ear Jay. You should talk to him… or see someone at the VA hospital." My tone is soft and without pressure.

Jay opens his mouth a few times before closing it again and nodding once.

"Ideally I want you to open up to me, but I realize that's not enough and you might not be ready."

"So, a dog?" He chuckles.

"Dr Charles said it could help with the process, no proven science behind it but it can help reduce symptoms. At the very lease reduce stress and promote love… look at her face." My voice changes at the end, so I can coo down at the puppy.

"You're so amazing." Jay leans down to kiss me again.

"You're really trying." He tells me softly when he pulls away.

"I just want to help."

"You are… do we have a name?"

"I thought you should name her."

"Really? You _love_ puppies Erin."

"I know, they are just so cute. Aren't you?" I lean down and kiss the dog in my arms, laughing as she licks me back.

Jay and I sit down on the couch, his arm wrapped around me and I lean into his chest.

"So, name?" Jay's laughing as the pup makes a beeline for him and he holds her close.

"I like Frankie…"

"Perfect." Jay smiles over at me with a wink.

* * *

"I'm telling you Jay, something's going on there."

"Not again." He groans thinking of Kim and Adam, and the drama which will follow if they give back in to their feelings.

I open our apartment door laughing as Frankie races over; I scoop her up as Jay follows with the chinese take out.

"Hey Frankie, I missed you girl." Jay places the food on the coffee table and I place Frankie in his arms before heading to the kitchen.

I smile as Jay plays with Frankie on the couch, thinking back over this last week.

Things have been hard but less strained between us; I bite my lip knowing we can't continue to put off a serious conversation.

Jay still wakes at night screaming in terror, my method of approaching him different than the first night. The guilt Jay carried for pinning me to the bed, weighed on him for days and I can't have anything else dragging him down into his dark place.

I walk over to Jay with some plates before serving up.

* * *

"Have you thought about making an appointment with Dr Charles?" I finally ask, watching as Jay's hand stills patting Frankie.

She growls in protest before he starts again, Frankie snuggling closer to him almost sensing his discomfort.

"You need to speak to someone Jay. If you want to get through this…" I trail off trying not to push him too much.

"I know… will you come with me? Otherwise I don't know if I'll walk inside."

"Of course I can. Every appointment, I'll be outside that door waiting." I reach out and place my hand on his knee.

"Okay I'll call him tomorrow."

"I can." I shrug at him and his shoulders drop tension.

Jay reaches for the remote and I know we're done for the night.

* * *

I'm sitting on our bed reading when Jay walks out of the shower, running his towel through his hair.

I stand up to rest my hands on his waist, looking up into his eyes.

"Goodnight." I whisper as he drops his head to kiss me.

"Night." He replies, his arms wrapping around me.

"I love you." He places a kiss to my forehead.

"I love you too." He walks from the room; I don't get into bed until I hear the door on the spare room shut.

* * *

"I need to get a divorce." I look over to Jay shocked before my eyes fall back on the road.

We're leaving Jay's fourth session with Doctor Charles, this being the first time he's shared anything with me from his time in there.

"You need to stop ignoring her calls then." I nudge him softly, wanting Abby from our lives as soon as possible but knowing it has to happen at the right time and in the right way for Jay to heal.

"I know. Doctor Charles made a lot of sense. I can't move forward with that hanging over me. In my mind it was over the day it started… obviously not for Abby. I need to sort that out so I can deal with the memories from my time overseas… then come to terms with the man I was when I got back." His tone is calm as he opens up.

"What do you mean obviously not for Abby? You haven't told me why you're still married yet." Jay looks over at me shocked as he tries to think back before nodding once.

"She never signed the papers back then and therefore she never filed them. I just assumed she had, I was so busy moving on with my life that I didn't think twice about it. Not until she showed up claiming to be getting married and needing them to be… she couldn't produce them when I asked for them though." He raises a shoulder in a shrug.

"Claiming?"

"When I met her for a drink to sign them… she told me she lied. There wasn't anyone, then she told me she regretted never saying I love you. I don't know… it was a short lived mistake so I don't understand, but I guess it was more to her. She was going through a lot too, so I don't blame her for not signing all those years ago… but the way she came back with a lie…" Jay lets out a sigh, frustration in his tone.

"Like she's manipulating the situation… you." I'm quiet, not wanting to upset Jay but hoping he can see the truth.

"Maybe… she pretty much told me she wanted to fix it. I told her she deserves good but I wouldn't be the man giving it to her and I left her sitting in the bar."

"Did you tell her about me?" Jay's silence answers the question.

"Why not get an annulment? There is no time frame in the state of Nevada to file… but it's of course up to you." I put the suggestion out there, knowing Jay will do what he feels is best.

"I'll speak to Abby."

We're silent again as I restrain from saying what I want.

 _Be careful. I don't trust her._

* * *

The day is long as I try and mask any insecurities from knowing Jay saw Abby this morning, desperate to know how it went.

We're slammed with a case and the first chance I can ask him about it is when I get home to find him in the kitchen cooking dinner.

A smile overcomes my face, knowing he hasn't cooked for over three weeks now.

"Hey." He smiles over at me and I come forward to kiss his lips.

"Hey babe."

His lips find mine again, his body trapping me against the kitchen bench before he lifts me up so we're eye to eye.

"Don't be insecure."

"I'm trying." I whisper back as I drop my eyes.

"I love you Erin."

"I know. I love you too. What happened this morning?" He reaches up to tuck hair behind my ear.

"I told Abby I wanted to file for an annulment."

"Not a divorce?" I try not to show it but happiness fills me.

"I thought a lot about it." He nods at me and I smile.

"She didn't take it well at first… I told her I wasn't trying to hurt her but I needed it for me. To get myself right… she tried fighting it. I told her I would happily file it for the courts to decide… given the short marriage and her never filing papers..."

"And?"

"I told her I didn't want that, I don't want to turn nasty… she came around after I told her about you."

"Me?" I raise my eyebrows shocked.

"I let her know that I'm in love and that you've been there for me… that I can't imagine my life without you and you're what I need to get through my emotional baggage. That when the time comes I want to get married right… without a divorce hanging over me."

I lean my forehead against Jay's.

"She agreed so we'll file it." I press my lips against Jay, relief coursing through me.

* * *

My back is leaning against the bathroom door as I hear the shower running and Jay's crying.

Tears spring to my eyes; aware he's trying to hide from me.

He's been silent since he came back from his therapy session, it's been almost four weeks since Abby agreed to an annulment and left our lives for good.

Jay's been increasing his visits to therapy; his mood at night varies rapidly.

Some nights he's more like his old self, laughing and joking. Other nights he's sweet and nostalgic about our life together, some he's quick to anger and after taking his frustration out on me he heads to the spare room.

He always wakes me up a few hours later to apologize; unable to sleep until he's shown me he's sorry for lashing out with his harsh words.

The nights full of sorrow and pain are the hardest to endure.

I bang on the door loud enough so he can hear.

"Jay, I'm just running to the shops." Knowing he'll want alone time.

"Take care of him." I order Frankie, leaving a scratch behind her ears before leaving the apartment.

 **A/N: Obviously, I don't want the drama on the show to stretch out weeks or months but I'm trying to make this as realistic as possible...**

 **Review :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own Chicago PD.**

 **A/N: Just getting this up before work, will work on Fate tonight...**

 **This picks up right after the last chapter ended.**

Come Home, Jay

"Hey babe." Jay calls out as I enter the apartment; I smile taking in his improved mood as he lays with Frankie on the couch.

"Hey."

"Where'd you go?" He runs a hand through his wet hair as I disappear into the kitchen.

My eyes fall to our empty alcohol cabinet, Doctor Charles suggesting right at the start to remove any temptation during Jay's therapy.

Walking through his memories during his sessions and reliving them each night in his nightmares leaves him vulnerable to slipping.

"Ice cream." I walk over to the couch with chocolate ice cream and two spoons.

"My favorite."

"I know." I smirk down at him.

He sits up and moves his back against the arm of the couch as I sit by him tucking a leg underneath me mirroring his position, our folded leg under our body touching at the knees.

I pass him a spoon before pulling the lid off and holding it between us.

"How was today?" I whisper as we shovel ice cream into our waiting mouths.

"Hard." He swallows around a lump in his throat.

"I'm sorry."

"Will you come in with me next session?" He asks as he looks down at the ice cream.

"Like inside… during the therapy?" I ask unsure and taken aback.

"Yeah." His eyes meet mine and I raise my eyebrows shocked.

"I want to give you some insight."

"Of course I will." I lean forward and press my lips against Jay's, moaning as his tongue slips in my mouth tasting the chocolate on his tongue.

Jay pushes me back with a smirk until my back is against the cushions.

His hands begin to unbutton my shirt and I feel my pussy pulsing in anticipation.

I giggle as Frankie scurries away into the bedroom, the cold ice cream tub still in my left hand.

Jay brings his lips down to mine before trailing them back to my ear.

"You ready?" He whispers.

"Bring it." I'm laughing as he takes the ice cream from me, then moving to pull my bra up over my breasts.

He scoops up some ice cream before putting it in his mouth, he leans down and I open my mouth to receive his kiss enjoying the cold ice cream in his warm mouth before he pulls away to look down at me.

My hips jerk when he puts ice cream on my belly button and all the way up to the bottom of my breasts.

I close my eyes when his lips find my stomach as he slowly licks up the ice cream before pulling away with mischief sparkling in his eyes.

He reaches for the ice cream again before swirling it around my hard nipples, the cold sensation causing a gasp to slip through my lips.

His warm mouth wraps around my breast, sucking up the sticky ice cream before his teeth tug on my nipple.

He repeats the process with my other one before he moves away to pull my jeans and panties down as he slides down onto the floor kneeling before me.

Jay slips a finger in teasing me before another joins it and they pump in and out, my head thrown back in pleasure.

His cold lips reach down to my pussy and a jolt is sent through my body.

He uses his lips to cup my clit as he sucks, his fingers still pumping in and out as he causes an orgasm to rip through me.

Once he pulls away I waste no time in pushing him back onto his ass before I straddle him with a smirk, pulling off my unbuttoned shirt and taking my bra off.

My lips meet his briefly before I pull his shirt over his head and push him back onto the floor.

I pull down his sweat pants and boxers, smiling up at him with the same mischief.

My hand palms his erection and he moans in pleasure, before I release it to trail up his body.

My eyes watch him move around as I bring the cold ice cream down to his chest.

The slowly melting ice cream is smeared across his muscled chest as my lips move down to suck up every last drop, my tongue tracing his abs.

My lips find his as our naked chests press together, we laugh as our sticky chests move against each other before I re position myself to slide down on Jay.

His hands grip my hips as I sink down onto him, throwing my head back in pleasure.

Jay's hands pull me forward until our chests are touching again so he can join our lips, his tongue slipping into my mouth.

My body is rocking against Jay until he releases my mouth and I sit back up to continue riding him ignoring the discomfort in my knees.

Jay thrusts his hips up, pushing harder each time and my eyes fall closed.

He explodes into me only seconds before my orgasm hits, his name falls from my lips.

"Guess we should probably shower." I laugh down at Jay before leaning in for another kiss before sliding off him.

"Race you."

* * *

I'm playing with my fingers nervously as Jay and I sit side by side waiting for Doctor Charles.

Jay's hand reaches over to hold mine, squeezing it softly. My eyes find his soft blue ones staring over at me.

"Jay, Erin." We smile over at Doctor Charles before following him inside his office.

Our hands drop as we walk inside and Jay takes a seat at the opposite end of the couch to me.

Doctor Charles smiles at me reassuringly.

"So Jay, how have you been?"

"Pretty good." I watch Jay's hands ball into fists.

"Nightmares?"

"Not as intense or frequent…"

Doctor Charles looks over to me for confirmation and I nod softly, a small smile on my face.

"Have you worked on what we talked about?" I raise my eyebrows curious to know what they are talking about.

"No." Jay shrugs and Doctor Charles nods.

"How about this week?"

"Maybe Doc." He shrugs again.

"You don't think it's time?"

"Soon." Jay promises, I sit here unsure of what just happened.

"So Erin, I hear you and Jay got a pup."

"We did, Frankie." I smile at Doctor Charles, in awe of Jay coming here so often when I struggled with one casual meet at a diner.

"She's certainly a cutie."

"She's an angel." I chuckle thinking about Frankie.

"Have you and Jay talked much about his therapy?"

"Only what he's willing to share." My voice is soft as my eyes flicker over to him.

"What hasn't he shared?" My eyes flicker to Jay unsure.

"It's okay Erin, he wants you to know what he talks about in here. He's aware of what I'm going to ask you. He's not use to anyone else in here, give him some time to open up."

"Oh."

"It's hard for him to bring it up, I thought this might be a way to open communication between you both. What hasn't he shared?"

"About his time in the military, or what he was like when he got back." I finally answer; Jay's leg begins bouncing.

"Uh huh. You know, it's common for soldiers to push down the horrors they see. The fact Jay could do it so well to work as a Detective all this time is remarkable… although unhealthy. We have been working through his time over there."

"Jay, the first night back home you had a nightmare and reacted to Erin waking you… do you want to tell her what was happening?" Doctor Charles voice is soft like always, leaving the decision ultimately up to Jay.

"We set up surveillance in a building across from the known location of a high value target… there was a local in the apartment. He and his family seemed harmless… it was Austin's turn watching while I got some sleep. I wake to sounds of a struggle, not reacting in time to save Austin. The guy slit his throat before turning to me, it's how I got this scare." Jay gestures to just below his neck.

"I didn't see it coming, I got him killed." His voice is full of conviction.

"Jay. You didn't get him killed. There was nothing you could have done."

I want to slide closer to Jay but stay where I am, letting my words reach out for him instead.

"The rest of our unit from the other room rush in as I turn the knife on him… his young son runs out having woken from the noise. I was so angry at that moment, Austin killed right in front of me… I didn't even care that I killed him and his son was screaming down at me."

I slide closer to Jay but still half a meter between us on the couch.

"He left behind a wife and daughter… I hated coming home to stare into the faces of their families. Seeing their grief when I was barely dealing with my own. I saw too many soldiers carried away in coffins, too many friends lowered into the ground. Yet here I am…"

"You're here and they're not… they would want you living the life you still have Jay." He nods softly at me.

"I didn't have anyone, why did I make it home… that guilt and drunk state lead me to marry Abby that night. Having just lost another friend, his wife standing over his coffin as they lowered it into the ground."

"You have me now though… if you didn't come home I wouldn't have found you."

He's quiet as he slowly nods.

"Think of how many people you have saved… there and here in Chicago. The justice you have helped deliver. You're pursuit of Lonnie Rodiger saved what would have been his future victims… you helped that boy who was being abused by his swim coach, you helped him through that."

My eyes trail over his face before I continue.

"You saved me… you pulled me back from the edge when Nadia was killed. You save me day after day in the field, you have my back _always_. My life is better for knowing you…" A tear slips down his cheek as he holds a hand out to me; I grasp it firmly before bringing it to my lips.

"I haven't told you the worst of it." He whispers, as Doctor Charles takes a back seat, letting us continue with our flow.

"Tell me. I'm right here." He seems unsure for a few moments before he finally nods.

"A stray bullet of mine hit a ten year old boy. He bled out in my arms, the sound of his mothers screams will never leave me." The confession hangs between us and I process it quickly so I can reassure him I can handle this.

"Jay… you can't carry that around, at least not alone. You didn't intend on that… it's horrible and heartbreaking but it happens." He shakes his head at me.

"How can you comfort me, I killed a kid Erin. A child, I have no right to…" He trails off and I realize the pain he must feel when he looks down on a child laying in the streets of Chicago.

The guilt must eat away at him.

"Hey, Jay." I move closer and turn his head to me so he has to look me in the eyes.

"I can handle this. I'm not looking at you any different."

My forehead rests against his as tears fall.

* * *

"Jay, can you give Erin and I a minute." I lean up to give Jay a quick kiss before he walks out of Doctor Charles office; he motions for me to sit down again.

"Doctor Charles? Did it go okay?"

"You accepting Jay will go a long way, he opened up to you which is a huge step. Now he has done it he should find it easier to open up to you. After a nightmare… see what he needs. He might need comfort or he might need to talk through it."

"Okay."

"Just continue to be patient with him."

"I will."

"You're doing a good job Erin."

* * *

I walk out of the bathroom and smile as I see Jay leaning against the wall, I move in assuming it's for our good night kiss before he goes to the spare room.

After our lips pull away he smiles down at me nervously.

"Can I sleep with you tonight?" My eyes widen and a shocked smile appears on my face.

"Of course." I whisper, happiness consuming me.

I take his hand in mine and guide him over to our bed, we both slide in and his arms are wrap around me.

"God I missed this." I sigh as I snuggle further into his embrace.

"Me too." He whispers back playing with my hair.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah." He replies immediately.

"What were you and Doctor Charles talking about at the start?"

"This."

"This what?"

"Coming back to our bed."

"Oh."

"Yeah, he has been asking me for weeks to make improvement… to try it and see since my nightmares are improving but I've been scared."

"Of hurting me?"

"Yes… but also that I would get use to it again. Only for you to ask me to leave when you found out the things I've done."

"I would never ask you to leave." I promise him sincerely.

"I know that now."

"Good…"

"I'm sorry it took me a couple of months."

"I'm just glad you were here." I whisper, the truth hanging between us.

"I don't know how I would have gotten through this without you… your support has been so amazing."

"I don't know how I could have lasted months without you here while you figured it out alone."

"I'm sorry." He whispers and I shake my head.

"Enough of that. We're okay."

"We're okay." He repeats before kissing me.

* * *

"Hey beautiful." He places a kiss on my lips and I sigh in happiness.

"How'd you sleep?" I ask resting my head against his chest.

"Better than I have in months."

"Same." I whisper back.

"I've been thinking."

"Mmmm." I hum in reply.

"Do you remember my grandfathers cabin?"

"How could I forget?" I giggle at him and he chuckles.

"We never did make it there… maybe we could take some personal days and drive up."

"I think that sounds like a perfect idea." We seal the deal with a kiss.

 **A/N: Review :) This completes my 4x17 stories... I think lol**


End file.
